Thursday, September 13, 2007

Life Changes

It never ceases to amaze me the number of parents today that are separating for various reasons. It breaks my heart to see the eyes of the children that are affected. I know of a few children whom their lives are in a true upheaval of sorts, due to the fact that their parents are not together or not a part of their little lives.

Please, do not think that I am trying to make those parents out to be bad parents or anything like that... I know that there are circumstances that cause separation & other issues in life, I am just simply saying that it makes me sad.

I can't begin to tell you how my heart grieves for them. God loves us so much and He does not want us to be apart from His love, yet, that is what it must feel like to a little child whose parents are apart, or not part of their lives. I look at my life with my husband and son and I am so thankful that God has given them to me and watches over us constantly. It makes my heart melt when I see my son give his daddy a hug or a kiss. I grew up with both parents at home, but it was not the Cleavers'... if you know what I mean. My dad worked all of the time & when he wasn't working, he was busy in his workshop making things out of wood & never seemed to have any time for me or my brother. Mom was always working, too. And when she wasn't working, she had her nose buried in a book & couldn't even hear you talk to her.

Now, don't get me wrong... I love both of my parents with all of my heart. They loved us kids and provided for us. I am just simply pointing out that you don't have to be physically separated for things to be difficult for kids. I grew up feeling inadequate as a woman and was constantly craving for someone to love me ~ my brother was the same way.

I married young & our marriage was not good. We did not build our relationship on a strong foundation, Christ... we built it on shifting sands. After only 4 years of marriage, my husband began cheating on me. For 2 years, he continued to do so, while I was mostly oblivious to it. When I finally knew it for sure, I confronted him with it. It took him a week to finally admit his most recent affair... but when he did, he was full of tears and begging me to forgive him. He ended up moving out and continuing his relationship with his recent affair. After a few months apart, he wanted to come home. He begged me to forgive him & try to work things out. I let him come home just before Christmas of 1996, but within less than a week, I caught him with her again and told him that was the last straw. We finally divorced and I swore I would never marry again. I had no desire to go through what I had been through ever again and through myself into work & church.

After about 10 months of just hanging out with some really great NEW friends, one of them asked me out on a date. . . and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. John and I did everything together. We hung out with the same people, had the same beliefs, were both terribly silly, and enjoyed making others happy. In May 2002, we married. Our pastor married us under the trees on the church property with only God & us present! It was the most spiritual thing that had happened to me other than being baptized!

We immediately became pregnant, but miscarried 2 months into the pregnancy. This was a devastating blow to me. I had never in my life felt such anguish. I wanted to die. I was afraid to become pregnant again. . . what if I miscarried again? What if I could never have a child? Finally, I was blessed again and was able to carry the baby for 37 weeks. And OH was he beautiful!!! When he was born and I saw him for the first time, he took my breath away. I had never before felt such love for anyone or anything. Finally, I understood God's love for me!

It took years for me to realize that the love I was searching for all along, was found in the Bible with my heavenly Father. I am a much better woman now than I have ever been. I have a wonderful husband and a precious little one that is truly a gift from God. My husband has the patience of Job and He is truly a gift from the Lord to me. When I have a bad day or am having a difficult time with my emotions, he loves me and shares God love with me over & over. He doesn't want me to forget how much Christ loves me.

We share the same with our son. When we go through our day, we talk about all that Christ has done for us AND all that He continues to do for us. We tell him how important it is that we share God's love with others so that they will know that He loves them, even when they feel like no-one else in the world does.

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